Football helmet with a rose image, lit candles,

The Bubble Screen and the Bachelor: Women are stupid. Men are also stupid.

*Disclaimer
There are men who enjoy Entertainment News and the like, however, statistically speaking, I’d put them in the minority.
There is nothing in their second x chromosome that renders females incapable of being genuine fans of sports, but I’d like the record to state that there are two kinds of female sports fans:
1. Those who legitimately enjoy watching J.J. Watt attempt to remove the head of a slot receiver
2. Those who like temporary tattoos on their cheeks

 

They say Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, which has always been strange to me, because you’d think if the two genders traveled millions of miles just to hump on Earth they’d put up with each other’s bullshit a little better. That being said, there is some credence to that phrase. Besides basic physiology the two seem to have separate parameters for friendship, varying appreciations of cuteness, and disparate viewpoints on pillows with fringe. In fact, without using ideas that makes a sociology degree seem useful (panopticon, gender performance) I’d like to say that the two creatures are built differently in most aspects.

Planets
Bow, wikka wow, wikka chow

Few of these aspects seem in more stark contrast than the way these hairless apes seem to entertain themselves- the males with their constant need for violence/ball related sports, and the women with their fascination with love ideals/mothers who are also teens. But with the advent of cyclical entertainment, like E! News and ESPN, The Bachelor and The NFL, Bravo and Fox Sports Network, both interests have begun leaning in to the same unavoidable space. In fact, I’d argue that the two are the exact same.

Hear me out, here.

1. Both have normal fans, but also human garbage versions of their fans

Oscar the Grouch

Like anything in life, there is a healthy appreciation of your source of entertainment, and then there is allowing it to consume you. For the male, this may include proclaiming his love for the Jets, loud as a howitzer, from the back of the remedial English class he is failing for a second time. For the female, it might involve getting the latest juicy E! updates from twitter while the rest of her group actually does her Comm 201 project.

Here are some other warning signs that may tip you off:

Female

Girl Laugh

-Begins many a sentence regarding reality tv with “I know it’s not real but…” Fully believes reality TV is real.

-Trumpets the phrase “Date a man, not a boy” with little to no inward thought as to whether she is a girl and not a woman.

-Calls self “basic”, meaning uninteresting or easily replaceable, on various social media platforms. Confused as to why she is single.

-Believes in one true love. Believes an acceptable way to find one true love is through a glorified cattle call.

Male

Sport Guy

-Believes that you are not a fan of a sports team unless you know the age, weight, musical tastes, and date of lost virginity for every member of that team’s starting lineup.

-Gives play by play status commentary of a game on Facebook. Pretends he is the only source of this game’s score for a fictional person who clearly has enough internet to access Facebook.

-Personally takes credit for good things his team and/or quarterback does off the field, as if he was the one visiting those kids in the cancer ward. Has not done a community service hour since ’07.

-Devotes countless hours to researching and memorizing stats in preparation for fantasy season. Devotes zero hours to doing dishes.

Now if you’re lucky, you’ll have none of these people present on any of your social media, but if you’re an actual person who lives in real life you will, and that means…

  1. If something major happens in either hemisphere, you will know about it. You will know about it hard

Facebook Logo

Like many a misanthropist, I draw a great deal of my venomous anger from scrolling Facebook, but the cup truly runneth over during major sporting events and bachelor nights; grammatically incorrect Super Bowl opinions alone stoke the malice fire in my heart, keeping me warm for the remainder of winter. Generally my rules of status posting are this: Is it interesting, insightful, informative, or funny? If not, put that shit on a specific person’s wall, because your opinion on how rain makes you sad face is unwelcome. I’m not saying that everything I post is a gleaming gem of universal mirth, but I’ve done my best to spare others my esoteric take on why James Bond: License to Kill is a severely underappreciated 007 film.

Now, I will say that as a fan of sportball I am more wary of commentary on Real Housewives than I am about trade agreements, but I endeavor to be an equal opportunity prick. I give just as few fucks about the status of your March Madness Bracket as I do about your favorite bachelorette contender.

Good year for darkhorses
Good year for darkhorses

Besides, I think we can all call to mind one or two insufferable people on our newsfeed, the CAPSLOCKIEST person on there. If not one person, there’s got to be a single time when you deemed checking your newsfeed an exercise in redundancy, knowing full well it’s only going to be posts about the Oscars/the Superbowl/Finals Week/spring break/Coachella/etc.

Essentially, it’s impossible to avoid learning about these things, but in case you missed some info the first time around, don’t worry, because…

  1. Both have channels that run the exact same shit all day long

Ouroboro

When Ted Turner founded CNN, and effectively the 24 hour news cycle, I bet he imagined a world where repetition of current events could bring attention to the issues that were important for global change. What I doubt he anticipated was this same model being used to perpetually ram nipple slips and slam dunks into viewers’ eyeholes in between Esurance commercials.

Did a celebrity couple get frisky at the beach? Did Lebron James put the ball in the hoop good? I was unaware! Please, remind me of this every twenty minutes to half hour. Present video evidence.

Not to mention the fact that both media outlets are trying so much to be the first to break the news that their sources are growing increasingly shoddy, usually through somebody’s massage therapist or coke dealer. Plus, with athletes getting into scandals like celebrities and celebrities getting down with athletes, we call upon the slimiest entertainment leviathan of all: TMZ.

83% of the sources
83% of the sources

Let’s not kid ourselves here: Unless it’s an interview with the actual human being or human beings getting discussed (Injured player, half of a celeb couple), watching pundits state their theories on these channels is not getting you any closer to the truth. You’re basically just watching well-dressed howler monkeys bellow their opinions at each other. Remember kids: We’re playing by American rules here, which means whoever is the loudest is the rightest.

Howler Female
Pick your poison

Take your pick

But after all this fanfare, what’s the endgame?

  1. Both affect the consumer’s life about the same amount

Queen Dunk

I’m not saying that your entire upbringing playing ball didn’t shape you as a person, nor am I saying that the films celebrities make can’t affect how you think and feel, but living and dying on the actions of people thousands of miles away from you that aren’t in your gene pool is a bit extreme.

If a bookie with a thick Russian accent is going to blow both your kneecaps off if the Heat don’t cover the spread, I’ll understand your duress, if not, for fuck’s sake stop yelling at the screen like it’s helping Dwayne Wade sports any harder than he already is.

It's also this guy
This guy is also a bookie

With the same dedication that sports fans follow a team’s season, others might follow celebrity marriages. This baffles me, especially when it comes to the Royal Wedding. If the British want to use tax dollars to keep up the cluster of pedophiles and septuagenarians they call a “monarchy” around, that’s none of my goddamn business, but when Americans get their knickers in a twist about it I draw a line in the sand.

That said, you can use this to find out how pure your friends are deep down inside.  After all, there’s something truly beautiful in somebody who still believes in cosmic love, or that the Cleveland Browns are going to be good next season.

 

“But Rick,” you may ask, “What is your grand point? Is this a commentary on how our over-investment of time on things that don’t matter is leading us to ruin? That we could be writing the next great novel, or lending a helping hand to others, or otherwise being a part in the upward march of humanity, but instead we’re so wrapped up in the exploits of others that we are robbed of the legacy we ourselves could be leaving behind?”  Yes, to all three of you reading this. This is the sad conclusion we must reach.

But if you try to schedule ANYTHING on NFL Sunday other than a round of golf , I will come at your neck and face with a claw hammer.

Sleep tight, dear reader
Sleep tight, dear reader
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3 thoughts on “The Bubble Screen and the Bachelor: Women are stupid. Men are also stupid.

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