hand sex

Comments on Comments: Where Angels Dare not tread

I stand outside,  beer in hand, shooting the breeze with friends when I mention that I am writing a blog post featuring the most interesting comments on porn videos I could find.

“Wait. There’s a comments section on porn videos?!” a friend retorts.

Yes, dear reader. Yes there is.

In fact, comments have always fascinated me. Every single person you meet has a vast universe going on inside their heads, and we see but a fraction of that complex interconnection between neurons when we come into contact with them in real life. The thing about real moments, though, is that they are fleeting and unmeasurable. Internet comments, on the other hand, are crystalized forever, to be analyzed and pondered upon by all with broadband access. There are comments that baffle, comments that offend, comments that speak volumes and comments that say nothing at all, but all comment say something about the person who said them. So when I see a comment, I try just a little bit to trace the thought process behind it.

So I figured, fuck it, why not do that for porn comments. Publicly.

I’m not going to put too fine a point on it, so here it is: People masturbate. This may come as a shock to some who live under rocks (like starfish and other echinoderms) but to most this is probably a weird facet of life that they accept, but choose not to touch (like starfish and other echinoderms).

This bit isn’t merely an excuse to pick apart people’s grammar, though. Trying to rid the internet of grammatical and logical flaws is to try to rid the ocean of salt with a tweezers, and I’ve neither the time nor the sanity for such a task. So I’m just going to give you the choicest cuts and scientific samples from my several months of deep smut diving.

Disclaimers:

-I do not support the derogatory (or racist) language used in some of the comments featured below. I am merely displaying them for public consumption.

-The owls, angry cat, and rooster aren’t exceptionally popular profile picture options, those are just to cover up pics of hooters, and p… I’ll let you fill in the rest of the inuendos.

-Yes, these are Iphone screencaps. No, I don’t feel odd about it. I have a pc that I can’t afford to give viruses. If you think it’s weird that I call my mother on my porn device, you do most of your school/personal work on yours. You’re probably reading this article on your wankbox right now. Also, like a normal person I wash myself and my things. If you don’t access pornography ignore this.

-Everybody has a type when it comes to pornography or dating, but I tried to shy away from that in my search. In the interest of fairness and demographical accuracy I have seen many types I’ll never be able to unsee. Including but not limited to: Granny porn, foot fetish, bbw, lesbian, threesome (all kinds), Interracial (all kinds), animated, teen, public, euro, bondage, amateur, smoking (why is this a thing?), POV, Casting couch, edging, squirting, bukkake, solo, vintage, tribbing, group, and many more of Pornhub’s rather extensive categories section. It’s sort of like that St. Augustine quote, “The world is a book and those who do not travel read only a page”, except with porn.

I do it for the kids.

And indeed I… Y’know what? There’s no way to make this any less strange than it already is, so let’s just get this fucking thing out of the way.

Pornhub Achievments

There are achievements on this site. Badges of honor to show other people your prowess. I’ll let that sink in for a while.

A Pornhub screencap

 Foot foot feet: A common turn on, but a much  rarer fetish than boob boob breasts or butt butt ass.

A screncapture of a pornhub profile

Here on Pornhub, you can fill out a profile so that people can learn more about you. Perhaps like this Canadian gentleman, who has zero turn offs. This man would literally swing his dick at a dumpster fire.

A pornhub Screencap

Well, I mean, in a progressive society everybody is entitled to their own sexual desires. Just so long as none of them are…

Wait, what the fuck? FORTY LIKES?!

Forty actual human beings behind keyboards saw this comment and thought, “I was going to bring it up but THANK GOD somebody else had the courage to!”

A Pornhub screencap

I expected some poor English when I started doing this, but did both of them just crawl out of caves?

A Pornhub screencap

Wait, are you sexually aroused by this video… frequently? Or in a large quantity? Or for a long duration? Or are you just referencing this?

A Pornhub screencap

Nope. Neither attempt at grammar in the second sentence is correct. Congratulations for being part of the first screencap with two profile dick pics, though.

Funner SMH

 I’m not a big fan of “funner” myself, but this seems a bit presumptuous. Also, I knew a kid in grade school who did milk before cereal. He peed his pants a lot.

A Pornhub screencap

every time i sit don in front of a keyboard. i have to type my thoughts down exaclty, as they come to me. please somebody get me medical help also where is the button to capitalize mY WORDS OH JESUS, WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW I CANT MAKE IT STOP…

A Pornhub screencap

Prooobably not a great deal. I’m pretty sure nobody has ever learned a family member is doing porn by accidental browsing.

A Pornhub screencap

Welllll, shit.

A Pornhub screencap

How do you operate this without thumbs? Also, shouldn’t you be on the Westminster Kennel Club site?

A Pornhub screencap

Don’t you have a city to save? Your girlfriend is dead because of this.

A Pornhub screencap

I just thought I’d introduce y’all to this guy. You’ll be seeing more of him in the future.

A Pornhub screencap

This. This right here is why your princess is always in another castle.

A Pornhub screencap

“make me good cummy”? What are you, six? I really hope so.

Wait.. Fuck! No! I take that back I TAKE THAT…

A Pornhub screencap

Hey bro, not gonna jump to conclusions here, but there’s gay porn literally three clicks away. Might be worth a looksy? There’s like, twice the dicks, and everybody has man hands. Everybody.

A Pornhub screencap

I’m happy for you?

A Pornhub screencap

Support. That’s why we all cum here. Everything’s better, for internetters, under da sea!

A Pornhub screencap

I don’t even think this person is aroused, I think they actually just want to consume a human being.

A Pornhub screencapDog, I think I may have you beat…

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